Dr. Cranky Hates Cell Phones!

Greetings gentle reader. Once again it is time for Dr. Cranky, your raucous raconteur, to take to his keyboard and release the pugnacious humors which have been building within his tortured spleen! Your humble servant has so much he wishes to repine about, yet so little time is available given the constraints of his daily battle with the Angel of Death. It was during one of his recent shifts that the topic of this latest diatribe came upon him with all the subtlety of a hammer to the forebrain.

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Dr. Cranky Returns!!!

Greetings, dear reader. It is time once again for your faithful chronicler of disease, death, decrepitude and destruction to regale you with his tales of derring-do whilst decimating disorder and saving lives.

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Too Stupid to Live

Greetings, Dear Reader. Dr. Cranky is once again at his keyboard, prepared to vent his spleen for your personal edification and enjoyment. Your faithful host would like to assure you he has not forgotten those nearest and dearest to his heart. “My goodness, Dr. Cranky,” you might say, “where have you been all this time and what has taken you so long to return? Have you been working more night shifts? Has your cynicism reached a fever pitch, requiring intense therapy? Have you finally plunged headlong off the deep end and into the abyss, mixing your metaphors with wild abandon? Has it taken you this long to chew through your restraints so you might return to us?” No, the reason your humble servant has been remiss in his literary endeavors is much more mundane. Dr. Cranky has been involved in a tedious and time-consuming project at work. This, in addition to his usual clinical duties, has not left him with much free time to write. Unfortunately, this situation will continue for at least another two to three months and it is most likely that his posts during this hectic period will be infrequent at best. Nevertheless, keep in mind that all good things come to those who wait.

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Acute Wuss Syndrome

In a previous post, Dr. Cranky examined that phenomenon known in Emergency Department circles as the Princess. Specifically, he detailed the havoc such damsals in distress inflict upon their surrounding environment and referred to their behavior as APS or Acute Princess Syndrome. In this latest communication he would now like to examine the male counterpart of APS, which is known by the emergency department cognoscente as AWS or Acute Wuss Syndrome.

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Myosotis latifolia

Dear Reader, Dr. Cranky wished for you to be aware that he has not forgotten your plight. He knows how much you yearn for your cranky fix. Fear not, as your faithful servant is working on his next missive. Unfortunately, as often occurs, reality has reared its ugly head and he has had pressing matters of great importance to attend to.

In the meantime, Dr. Cranky suggests you perform a google search of the two Latin words titled above to discern their meaning and rest assured that he has not forgotten you.

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The Princess and the Macho Man

Something interesting happens to physicians and nurses after several years of service to the Emergency Medicine gods. They are vested with a strange power. It is a unique ability which comes upon them as a reward for their many Herculean efforts. One day, after many trials, travails and tribulations they develop a kind of sixth sense regarding the hidden motivations of people. It’s quite spooky, really and very often Dr. Cranky can discern the truth behind a patient’s stated medical complaint with a mere glance. Emergency Medicine professionals refer to this as their bullsh*t detector, and after 20-odd years of clinical practice Dr. Cranky believes his has been tuned to an exceptionally high degree of precision. It was only several days ago that alarm bells sounded as your host’s detector went off, and warned him he needed to get his hip boots out of storage with a patient he shall refer to as Ms. P.

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How to Go to the Emegency Department – Part One

The other day Dr. Cranky was speaking with Mrs. Cranky (who is not at all cranky herself) and asked her the following question: What is the one thing the general populace should know about Emergency Medicine? Her answer was immediate. “That’s easy,” she responded, “you should write a guide telling people how to come to the Department. Think of how much aggravation you could avoid if people knew what they should do ahead of time.” Your intrepid chronicler stared straight ahead for a moment, mouth agape, with that fish-out-of-water look he possesses when he finds himself in the presence of absolute brilliance. But of course! This was preventative medicine at his finest. It is moments like this which remind Dr. Cranky of how lucky he is to have chosen such a truly insightful spouse. This is in direct contrast to those times when Mrs. Cranky (who is not at all cranky herself) gives him insight into the personal habits she believes he should abandon for the sake of the neighborhood, but that is another story altogether. And so, dear reader, it gives your humble servant great pleasure to introduce the first in a series of articles detailing what you should do if you ever find yourself visiting Dr. Cranky or any of his collegues at their place of alternate reality, also known as your local Emergency Department.

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Dr. Cranky Chastised!!!

Today your humble servant received the following e-mail from his progeniture, the Cranky Daughter, with the eye-catching subject “A Very Serious Matter.” What follows is an exact reproduction of her communiqué in all it’s glory:

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Night Shift – The Aftermath

Dr. Cranky knows he told his readers he would require some down-time following his battle with the Armies of Darkness, but he thought his readers might be interested in a brief accounting of the bloodshed (both literal as well as figurative) which occurred. Interestingly, just before he set out on his adventure, Dr. Cranky watched a fascinating show on the History Channel entitled “Hooked: Illegal Drugs and How They Got That Way.” One of the comments made was that in the early years of the twentieth century certain drugs were regarded as the scourge of society: alcohol, opiates and cocaine. All three were evident as part of the evening’s festivities.

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Night Shift

Dr. Cranky regrets to inform his faithful readers that he will require some “down time” for the next several days. This is the result of having to work a night shift this very evening.

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