Today your humble servant received the following e-mail from his progeniture, the Cranky Daughter, with the eye-catching subject “A Very Serious Matter.” What follows is an exact reproduction of her communiqué in all it’s glory:
“Dad, I have a very serious matter to discuss with you regarding responsibility.
AHEHEHEEEEEM: When you sign up for a blog and collect a following of readers, you have unknowingly committed yourself to the position of “entertainment-at-will”. Depriving said readers of your editorial skills is illegal under the mandates of the United States, and it is regarded as cruel and unusual punishment of a most heinous sort. That, or you’ve killed the real crankydoctor and thereby committed murder, which is also very heinous. Heinous, heinous, heinous aplenty.
I mean, here we are crying in a corner because we’ve in physical, mental…emotional withdrawal from our cranky fix. All we want is little story with perhaps the faintest tinge of gripeyness…that’s all. How could you deny us that one, little, teeeeeensy life pleasure?
Crap, time for class– send crankydoctor and all will be well in life!”
Dr. Cranky hangs his head in shame. He did not realize there were so many distressed members of the general populace, awaiting his missives with such ardent anticipation. He yearns to comfort all of these suffering waifs in cyberspace and will do his best to take up his keyboard and sally forth, once again. Please understand, gentle reader, that your faithful correspondent has been absent this past month out of a deep concern for the free world!
The reason for his absence, lame as it might be, is that Dr. Cranky has been a bit more cranky of late. No, that’s not quite accurate. Truth be told, your host has been, shall we say, somewhat extra crispy. Imagine, if you will, what would have happened if Dr. Cranky had dared let loose the sundry invectives which have been incubating within his fevered brow. The raw power of his caustic wit would be transmitted outward from the monitors of computers far and wide accross the great expanse of this island Earth. Innocent corneas would be scorched and retinas melted. Whole continents would be laid to waste. As Dr. Ray Stantz has said, it would have been “a disaster of biblical proportions: real wrath-of-God type stuff. Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling! Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanos, the dead rising from the grave! Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together – mass hysteria!” Oh, the humanity!!!
But Dr. Cranky feels better now. The night shifts are now a distant, but all too painful memory and there’s been a chance for his medication to take effect. So stay tuned, dear reader, the best is yet to come!